Thursday, March 18, 2010

To Be or Not to Be: A Single Mother

A stylish unique individual, Nikki, introduces herself:

My name is Nikki, i live in Brooklyn, and i'm 24 years old. Oh, and i'm pregnant.

Sex Edge: How did you find out you were pregnant?

Nikki: i found out i was pregnant after taking two pregnancy tests.. which i took just for the hell of it, i had been drunk and thought it would be funny to take one. I had no idea it would come out positive!

Sex Edge: Do you usually take tests just for the hell of it?

Nikki: Actually, i do. Even though i was taking birth control, i would become very paranoid. I tend to not use condoms and i always had the fear i would get pregnant

Sex Edge: In your experiences with unprotected sex, have you ever had an incident with STDs?

Nikki: I never have had any incident with STD's. Then again its never a safe bet to play Russian roulette with one's private parts so i think ive just been very lucky. I don't think its something i will chance any more, i have taken this pregnancy as a lesson.

Sex Edge: What were your first thoughts when you found out you were pregnant?

Nikki: I was shocked! Very very unexpected!

Sex Edge: Is this your first pregnancy?

Nikki: Yes this is my first pregnancy.

Sex Edge: Do you feel that you are ready to have a baby?

Nikki: No i do not feel that i am ready, then again who is ever really ready to have a baby?

Sex Edge: Who was the first person you told and why? What was their reaction?

Nikki: I told my best friend Laura, i have known them since i was in JHS so i felt they were a safe source to turn to. They sort of laughed they couldn't tell if i was serious or not. I sent them a picture of the at home test to make sure it was actually positve.

Sex Edge: How did you tell your family and what was there reaction?

Nikki: I didn't even have to tell them, i told my grandmother i had to tell her something and her first reaction was... your pregnant? It was somewhat shock and somewhat like they expected it.

Sex Edge: Was it hard to tell them?

Nikki: No it honestly wasn't that hard. Ive seen movies and talked to friends who make it out like its incredibly difficult to discuss things like this with family but really being honest and open is much easier if you have been all along.

Sex Edge: Do you have any support?

Nikki: I have the support of my friends and family. They are more than enough.

Sex Edge: What is your current relationship to the father of your child?

Nikki: The father of my child and i are no longer on speaking terms. I found out he was seeing someone else behind my back, i cut him out of my life.

Sex Edge: How is that affecting your situation at the moment?

Nikki: Things have been more stressful and stress while pregnant is never good. It wasn't the best time to have a splitting, and i wish he could have been more supportive and honest but, this is how things are so i am doing my best to not let it affect the situation at the moment. I am focusing on my child more than him. I dont recommend a break up while pregnant though no matter whats going on.

Sex Edge: How was he not supportive and honest?

Nikki: He was unsupportive in that when we discussed keeping the child (since he wanted me to have an abortion) he would talk about wanting to be absolved and desired to not be a part of the child's life. He was dishonest in that he said he would try to make things work better with me romantically and would be faithful to me, but he decided to start dating one of his friends and would lie to me saying he was looking for work

Sex Edge: You said you don't recommend a break-up during pregnancy "no matter what is going on". Do you also believe that it's better for the child to have an abusive father than no father at all?

Nikki: I do not believe its better for a child to have an abusive father. but a breakup during pregnancy causes so much stress to the unborn child. I feel it is better to wait till after the child is born so that only one person (the mother) carries the burden of the breakup. The father of my child was emotionally abusive, and the child has already felt that through me, but the effects of the breakup i feel are worse.

Sex Edge: Are you in school? If so, do you plan on continuing your education?

Nikki: I had to drop out for a while but i plan on going back after the baby is born to continue my degree. It will be hard, and i expect it to be, but its nothing that i cant do so long as i put my mind to it.

Sex Edge: How long after the baby is born do you want to go back to school?

Nikki: 2 months after he is born i am registered to attend classes. I will be taking one Saturday class for 4 hours.

Sex Edge: Who is going to take care of the baby when you go back to school?

Nikki: My friend, my landlord, and possibly the father

Sex Edge: I think that the abusiveness causes more stress than the breakup, but I am not here to give my opinion and I obviously can't know exactly what you're going through. The father of your child is unfit to be a father at this point. Why do you still want the father in your child's life?

Nikki: I want the father of my child in my life for financial support above all. I would love for him to physically be present to help raise the child but part of me really does not trust him to be alone with the baby because of his abusive tendencies. I never had a father, and even though my own father was quite unfit, i would have rather had him in my life. I feel also that the father needs to pay his dues. If i have to raise this child and sacrifice my time (which will be a labour of love) he should not be entitled to go on living his life free of this. As of right now i can not afford a baby sitter, and again he should not be able to be psychically absolved from the responsibility of taking care of his child.

Sex Edge: It sounds like you feel all the burden is placed upon you and he should take some responsibility, not because the child needs a father, but because you're getting stuck with it, so why should he be allowed to roam free. Life is unfair sometimes; but are you sure your reasons for wanting the father around are for the well-being of your baby as opposed to justice?

Nikki: I guess its a mix of both but one is heavier in my mind at the moment. I without a doubt want this child to have a father, but my anger from the current situation is wanting revenge and that's where the responsibility aspect comes into play... life is unfair, and the well being of my baby is more important, but i feel like he should have to do some things. For example if im caring for the baby he can help in ways that dont require him being around the baby such as getting grocery's or helping clean the house. This way he is still not absolved but yet he is forced to take responsibility, and the child will see a father figure around at least sort of. My opinon on all this may change but right now this is where my mind set is.